Pam, 69, and Mike, 71, have been together for 11 years, but they haven't had sex in two years. Mike attributes this to his "dick is dead," a phrase he uses to describe his inability to maintain an erection. The couple, who met in a hookah bar, say their relationship was built on intense physical attraction, but now they face the challenges of aging and changing bodies.
A Relationship Built on Physical Attraction
When Pam first saw Mike across a crowded hookah bar, she was "gobsmacked." His wild hair and crazy clothes were exactly her type. Their relationship was "built on that initial attraction," and that spark is still there, but the sexual component has vanished. In their late 50s and early 60s, they were "at it like rabbits," even making out on a hike once, which a young couple praised as beautiful, giving Pam hope that people can hold onto that side of themselves as they age.
Pam has internalized society's expectations of her as an "older woman." She says society desexualizes older people, and she absorbed that. They stopped prioritizing sex, and it gradually fell off the table: four days without it became two weeks, then six months, and eventually two years. Pam notes that you can see it happening but stop talking about it because it feels shameful.
The Impact of Losing Sex
Without sex, every touch becomes more meaningful because it's not a prelude but the thing itself. However, sex was once their glue, helping them resolve fights. Now they can't just "screw and come out the other side glowing" and have to work harder at their relationship. Pam misses the softer, playful, imaginative side that sex brought out in her. She's considering reclaiming that by dancing to Marvin Gaye in a sexy outfit, as she used to do, and plans to find something sexy to wear to Burning Man this year, where she feels Mike is more attracted to her.
Mike echoes the sentiment, saying that Viagra can give him an erection but not desire. His brain is no longer connected to his penis as it used to be. The last time they had sex, he struggled to stay hard, and it was painful for Pam, making him think, "this isn't fun any more." Sex can't be spontaneous now; it requires planning with lube and Viagra.
Navigating Intimacy and Hope for the Future
The loss of sex has led to a loss of intimacy. Mike says they give each other pecks on the cheek and a kiss goodnight but don't fool around or kiss properly. He feels he's letting Pam down by not keeping his end of the bargain. He still desires her but doesn't show it, and he wishes she would touch him more, even non-sexually, to show she wants him.
Pam sometimes feels insecure and tells Mike, "You just don't think I'm beautiful anymore." But when he compliments her or licks her cheek, she feels wanted. Both hope to reconnect at Burning Man, but even if that doesn't happen, they want to find other ways to feel close. Their story highlights the challenges of maintaining intimacy as bodies change with age.
