Answering 'I don't mind' to a partner's question about dinner or other decisions might seem relaxed, but relationship experts warn it can be a dealbreaker, often shifting the burden of decision-making onto the other person. This seemingly harmless phrase can actually constitute 'weaponised incompetence,' according to relationship expert and couples counsellor Ness Cooper, and may lead to frustration and resentment in the long run.
The 'Easygoing' Trap
The topic recently sparked debate on the Subway Takes show, where host Kareem Rahma interviews random people on the New York subway. A guest argued that saying 'I don't mind' is 'the opposite of being easygoing,' because it forces the other person to make the decision. Rahma disagreed, saying, 'What if I don't mind? I literally don't mind.' The guest responded that a truly laidback person would simply make a choice, adding that indecisive people often fear 'the minor inconvenience that is disappointing someone.'
This discussion has long circulated on social media, with a Reddit post calling the response 'one of the worst friendly acts you can do,' making the responder look 'boring and lazy.' The post added, 'People can enjoy unpredictability from not deciding on what they want, but you should know how others feel about it.'
Weaponised Incompetence or Genuine Indifference?
According to Ness Cooper, this behaviour can be a form of weaponised incompetence, where one partner acts helpless to force the other to take charge. However, she notes that in some couples, this dynamic can work, while in others it causes friction. 'A partner who is uncertain about what they want when asked may have previously offered bids for connection but may have had these missed,' she told Metro.
Cooper explains that couples sometimes fall into 'parent-child transactions,' where one acts as the lead for core decisions. 'There are moments where all unions can fall into this; it’s just that when it becomes a regular occurrence, it can lead partners to withdraw, become frustrated, and even lead to resentment.'
Root Causes and Solutions
The behaviour may stem from childhood, where parents didn't encourage children to voice opinions, or it can be culturally learned, says Cooper. 'There may also be conflict avoidance going on, which is reinforced regularly by culture and TV when conflict in relationships is positioned as unhealthy, when in fact, it can be natural and lead to growth.'
Lovehoney's sex and relationships expert Annabelle Knight suggests a more helpful response: 'Having an opinion, even if it’s not a definitive answer, is usually a more helpful and healthy way to reach a conclusion.' She recommends phrasing like 'I don’t mind, but maybe somewhere relaxed,' giving your partner 'something to work with rather than a closed answer.' Knight adds, 'If this is the case, it’s best to say. Communication is, as always, the key.'
