In the complex landscape of human relationships, few experiences are as poignant as the slow dissolution of a once-close friendship. Advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith tackles this universal dilemma in her response to a reader struggling with the loss of a high school companion.
The Lingering Question of Lost Connections
The reader describes a friendship that blossomed during secondary school years, from year 7 through year 12. This was no ordinary connection – it involved a devastating crush that transformed into what the reader describes as their first experience of real love. The friend responded with kindness when these feelings were revealed, and their bond continued, though the reader now identifies as bisexual partly because of this formative relationship.
Four years have passed since high school ended, and what was once an inseparable friendship has dwindled to occasional birthday messages. Attempts at deeper conversation have been met with silence after initial responses. While romantic feelings have faded, the loss of this profound friendship continues to haunt the reader, who desperately wonders why the connection dissolved and whether their shared history still holds meaning for their former friend.
Separating Two Distinct Questions
Gordon-Smith makes a crucial distinction that many people overlook when grappling with unresolved relationships. "How do I get closure?" and "Should I reach out?" are fundamentally different questions that require separate consideration.
"There are lots of ways to get closure that don't involve reaching out, and there are ways of reaching out that don't end in closure," writes Gordon-Smith, highlighting the complex interplay between action and emotional resolution.
The Myth of the Narrative Answer
When relationships end without clear explanation, people often imagine there exists a satisfying narrative answer locked away, with the other person holding the key. Gordon-Smith challenges this assumption, suggesting that sometimes there is simply no profound explanation waiting to be discovered.
"The drifting just happened. Dunno. Shrug. One of those things. Felt different to me than it did to you," she writes, acknowledging the uncomfortable reality that relationships sometimes fade without dramatic cause or satisfying explanation.
This perspective is particularly relevant for high school friendships, which Gordon-Smith notes are often people's first experience with deep love – whether romantic or platonic. These relationships exist within a specific developmental context, built on constant communication, shared secrets, and private jokes that create what feels like an entire world for two people.
The Internal Path to Resolution
Gordon-Smith offers an alternative approach to seeking answers from another person. Closure, she suggests, doesn't necessarily require external validation or explanation. Finding resolution can be an entirely internal process that involves:
- Writing an unsent letter expressing all unspoken thoughts and feelings
- Developing a personal narrative that makes sense of the relationship's evolution
- Separately appreciating the high school friendship from current circumstances
- Acknowledging that the story might feel incomplete but can still reach emotional resolution
"You don't need someone else to give you closure like it's theirs to dispense," Gordon-Smith emphasizes, challenging the notion that resolution must come from external sources.
Practical Considerations for Reaching Out
For those who do choose to contact their former friend, Gordon-Smith advises approaching the situation with realistic expectations. The full range of possible outcomes includes:
- Receiving a satisfying explanation that provides closure
- Discovering there was unaddressed conflict causing the distance
- Learning that the other person simply didn't feel motivated to maintain contact
- Receiving no response or an unsatisfactory one
- Finding that what feels like an interrupted story to you doesn't register as significant to them
This nuanced understanding helps individuals make informed decisions about whether to initiate contact, recognizing that reaching out needn't mean closure, and closure needn't mean reaching out.
The Universal Experience of Drifting Apart
Gordon-Smith's advice resonates because it addresses a nearly universal experience. Many adults find themselves no longer speaking to people with whom they once shared secret languages and intimate understandings. The transition from adolescence to adulthood brings rapid life changes that can cause even the strongest connections to weaken or disappear.
What makes these losses particularly painful is their ambiguity – unlike relationships that end with clear conflict or resolution, drifting friendships leave people wondering what happened and whether anything could have been done differently.
Ultimately, Gordon-Smith's guidance offers a compassionate framework for navigating these complex emotional territories, reminding readers that emotional resolution often comes from within rather than from external answers. Whether choosing to reach out or finding internal closure, the path forward involves accepting that some relationships transform rather than end, and that their significance can be honored regardless of their current state.
