On a first date in a pub back in 2009, an 18-year-old Melissa Parker was asked a question so blunt it made her choke on her drink. Her date, Simon, turned to her and inquired: ‘Can you have sex?’
A Watershed Moment in Disabled Dating
Melissa, who has cerebral palsy after suffering a stroke at birth, recalls the moment her stomach rolled. It was the first time she truly confronted the added difficulty of dating while disabled. The awkward evening ended with her never seeing Simon again, but it marked the beginning of a recurring pattern.
In the years since, potential partners on dating apps have told her they want to ‘f**k her better’, confessed to always wanting to ‘try’ a disabled woman, or outright called her a slur. The intrusive question about her sexual capacity has become the most common one she faces.
The Unhelpful Mantra of 'Staying Positive'
When Melissa sought support from friends and family after that first jarring experience, she was met not with outrage, but with the well-worn adage: ‘stay positive’. This advice, which she has heard for over a decade, implies the problem lies with her attitude, rather than the pervasive stigma and ignorance disabled people face in the dating world.
She was raised to believe her disability didn't matter and that smiling through ignorant comments was the solution. “That just isn’t realistic,” she states. The magazines of her youth offered no guidance for disabled teens navigating romance, leaving her to rely on the unhelpful ‘positive attitude’ tip from everyone around her.
Reclaiming Agency and Offering Hard-Won Advice
Melissa’s relationship with her disability and dating has evolved. She has grown to love and respect her disabled identity and now advocates for herself in toxic situations. She understands it is not her responsibility to accept poor behaviour or educate the ignorant—a realisation she couldn’t have grasped a decade ago.
Her advice to other disabled people new to dating is starkly different from what she received:
- Avoid dating apps if you wish—they can desensitise people and lead to abusive language.
- Reject dating advice that makes you feel you must harm yourself to follow it.
- While optimism is helpful, it cannot ‘fix’ the generations of ignorance and bias you will encounter.
- Most importantly, date on your own terms.
Melissa concludes that telling someone a positive attitude is all they need minimises the brutal reality of discrimination. True progress requires honesty about these challenges, not platitudes that place the burden of change on the disabled individual.
