Partner Sleeps 10 Hours: Should I Accept This?
A reader writes: 'I am in a relationship with a lovely man who I first dated when we were 19 and 20. Now in our mid-50s, we have been together for three years. We laugh a lot and enjoy doing things together. The issue is he sleeps at least 10 hours a night, sometimes 12. On days off, he can stay in bed until 1pm. When we travel, we rarely do mornings together. I love mornings. He sometimes makes an effort but reverts back. We don't live together and see each other only one day a week. Time is precious, and I often wait for him to get up. We've discussed living together, but I don't want to resent him. He is generally tardy. Should I accept this won't change?'
Eleanor Gordon-Smith's Response
How many loving relationships have trouble with actual sleep? We insist that love involves sleeping, but sleeping is not a choice. This issue can become huge. I hear frustration, but it's important to distinguish a frustrating issue from a moral one. Sleep is not a moral issue. There are many causes not up to him: different circadian rhythms, medications like antidepressants, depression itself, or genuine preference differences. He could equally complain about your early rising. With morally neutral lifestyle preferences, we must not assume our way is objectively better. Culturally we prize early mornings as virtuous, but for some they are wretched. The goal might not be to resemble each other more, but to find cooperative space. His sleeping preferences may not change, but how each of you responds can.
Consider: what if he said 'I need 10 hours sleep. My partner wants me to wake earlier, but then I can't stay late with friends or do things at night when I feel best. She won't stay up later or accept a slower morning.' A divergence is just that; it doesn't tell you what must give way. With sleep, as with any morally neutral preference, we must be careful not to assume our preferred way is better. Imagine someone wanting to change your sleep preferences—how impossible that feels.
Rather than trying to change him, change the goal. Find the cooperative space between you. His sleeping may not change, but your response can.
