What does sex mean to you? As a sex educator, I begin each class with a seemingly simple question: "What is sex?" Some might think it's my job to answer that, but I don't define it for anyone. Instead, I provide accurate, inclusive information about sexual health, relationships, and identity — and let individuals decide what value to assign that information.
Why Questioning Definitions Matters
In my experience, investigating your ideas about sex can be fruitful, no matter your background. High school students often ask variations of "Does it count if you have oral sex?" I resist the concept of a "body count" because there's no inherent value in how much or little sex you've had. The real question beneath the surface is: "Could sex be more expansive than I thought?"
At the start of discussions, students often regurgitate mainstream definitions like "a penis going into a vagina" or "intimacy between a man and a woman." I offer prompts such as "What things have to happen for something to count as sex?" or "Does penetration always have to be part of sex?" or "Could masturbation be a type of sex?" As opinions emerge, we move away from a universal interpretation — and students notice that something they thought was clear is actually more complicated.
Even concepts like abstinence and virginity lack uniform definitions. Some people abstain from any genital contact except cleaning; others engage in anal but not vaginal intercourse, says Dr. Bianca Laureano, a sex educator and curriculum writer. This variety is precisely why I don't use any single definition of sex. When students ask "Does it count as real sex if I [insert behavior]?" I reiterate that if it's consensual and enjoyable, only you can decide what counts.
Isn't the Word Useless Without a Definition?
For those cautiously curious about the idea that there's no "real" definition, I understand the concern. We're exposed from a young age to explicit and implicit messaging around sex — think TV shows, church, or middle school teachers. (Of course, precise legal definitions apply in certain situations.) For many, initial encounters likely revolved around penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration between a man and a woman, and all other information is categorized around that reference point.
Creating your own understanding of sex can be intimidating, but there's much to miss out on. Using a singular definition indirectly affirms that there's a right and wrong way to have sex, and right and wrong roles to play. Such scripts may be familiar but can be unfulfilling or harmful if presented as having no alternative. If you feel most connected to a partner through massage or other erotic touch, who says that can't be sex?
Teaching only the dominant understanding excludes, for instance, reducing STI risk for non-PIV sex. It also asserts that people aren't experts on their own bodies — which they are. Dr. Varuna Srinivasan, a physician turned public health expert, uses the word "friction" to describe the tension between personal ideas of sex and what society says it should be. Have you ever wanted sex that doesn't fit the traditional definition?
Another Way to Think About Sex
People often think sex must involve orgasm, another partner, or penetration to be "valid." While sex can include those things, it doesn't have to. Dr. Damon Constantinides, a sex therapist specializing in queer and trans people, says a pleasure-centered perspective can guide people to think more expansively. Thinking of sex as pleasure allows for a "more open and less rigid" interpretation: "There is space for people to decide for themselves what sex is and gain insight into what they enjoy and what they want."
Unlike the infamous baseball metaphors ("first base," "second base"), there doesn't have to be a specific goal for something to qualify as sex — just one or more people doing things that feel good. Not all pleasurable things need to equate to sex; enjoying your favorite song can be satisfying in a non-sexual way, as leisure rather than pleasure.
Srinivasan suggests inventorying how you currently care for, use, and love your body. From there, it's easier to identify ways you already experience sexual pleasure beyond mainstream definitions.
Isn't It Confusing If Everyone Has a Different Understanding?
Knowing everyone thinks about sex differently might be overwhelming, but sex already exists outside a traditional definition. How we each think about and have sex is as diverse as the human species, says Srinivasan. Are you sure your definition aligns with others'? Next time you're with a friend, sibling, or lover, get into the weeds of what constitutes sex — you might be surprised.
Resisting a singular definition may seem vague, but that's the point. We have unique perspectives, values, and experiences in relationships and identities. Learning about differences can make relationships stronger. Divergent understandings don't mean anyone is wrong. "It's saying that person interprets it differently than me," says Laureano. Exposure to other definitions cultivates empathy and encourages a sexual culture where individuals can "be clear about what they want to experience and articulate that." The more opportunities to set expectations, the more you can discuss consent, boundaries, and recognize experiences you may not want.
Benefits of Defining Sex on Our Own Terms
Redefining sex isn't just for high school students; it can happen at any age. Maybe you've come out as queer, become newly disabled, or become a new parent. Maybe the way you've been having sex simply isn't fulfilling. Individual benefits include more pleasurable, exciting, and aligned sex — and each person having more power over their own experience and body.
Self-definitions in sex can be a form of liberation, particularly for Black women and femmes who've faced a long history of sexual violence and disempowerment, says Dr. Wendasha Jenkins Hall, a sexuality researcher and educator: "We had labels put on us of being hypersexual, being lewd and lascivious, and our bodies really were not our own."
When you construct your own meanings around sex, you learn more about yourself, your desires, and how you interact with the world. We already create meaning in other areas of our lives, so why not sex? Who knows what part of you is waiting to be unearthed?
