Eliana, a 36-year-old queer writer living with her boyfriend Kyle of nine years, shares her week-long sex diary. The couple, who met as extras on a TV show, have sex about once a week, but Eliana feels unsatisfied due to Kyle's erectile dysfunction. 'He can get off on his own, but when I'm around, that's when the problems start,' she says. 'It makes me feel like I'm not enough.'
Monday: Therapy and Body Image Struggles
Eliana attends therapy, discussing her desire for more passion and sex. She is working through the workbook 'Come As You Are' by Emily Nagoski but struggles with body image issues stemming from her evangelical Christian upbringing. That evening, she and Kyle watch porn and attempt sex, but he goes limp inside her. He apologizes, and she reassures him.
Tuesday: Fantasizing About Women
During a barre class, Eliana ruminates on her inability to pleasure Kyle. She notes that oral sex keeps him hard, but he loses it when she stops. Kyle has suggested a threesome as a remedy, which Eliana now considers a possible solution. She is more attracted to women but loves Kyle for his support and humor.
Wednesday: Dating Apps and Self-Pleasure
Eliana scrolls through dating apps with Kyle, but they haven't met anyone. She worries Kyle would feel left out in a threesome, though he says he's happy just watching. She feels shame for being attracted to women, a remnant of her religious upbringing. That evening, she masturbates multiple times with a vibrator.
Thursday: Routine and Frustration
After a run, Eliana reflects on the lack of sex talk since Monday. They attempt sex, but Kyle can't stay hard. She wants spontaneous desire from him but feels stuck in a routine. She wonders if his Catholic upbringing causes shame around sex, but he shrugs it off. He's away overnight, and she feels too tired for self-love.
Friday: A Heart-to-Heart
Eliana asks Kyle if he's okay. He doesn't blame himself for the sexual issues but doesn't know the cause of his erectile dysfunction. He hasn't discussed it with his GP, attributing it to dehydration, hay fever, or the dog. Eliana feels this is her lot for now.
Saturday: Longing for Desire
After Parkrun and Pilates, Eliana thinks about her past sexual control with men. Now, she feels she lacks control in her own relationship. She longs to be wanted and considers leaving but knows their connection is more than sex. Her therapist tells her nothing is wrong with her.
Sunday: Pain and Fantasy
Eliana's period brings pain, which she mitigates with masturbation. She fantasizes about the threesome but worries about consequences. She messages a woman from the app, thinking it might be time to make plans.
