A parent writes to Annalisa Barbieri expressing concern that their bright eight-year-old daughter, who is doing year 6 maths in year 3, may not fulfill her potential without a private tutor for grammar school entry. The parent, who was diagnosed with dyslexia in their 20s after struggling at school, cannot afford tutoring and feels the system is unfair, with the rich outrunning the poor.
Psychotherapist's perspective on parental projection
UKCP registered psychotherapist Sarah Kane suggests the parent may be trying to correct the imbalance from their own childhood, where they felt alienation and shame. Kane notes, "The lack of support you suffered may be feeding into your need to offer maximum support now." She advises separating one's own needs from the child's, and questions whether the maths challenges are truly fun for the child or driven by pressure.
Maximising language and anxiety
Kane points out the parent uses "maximising language" such as "we will be stuck" and "the rich will always outrun the poor," which can make situations seem insurmountable. She recommends using "what is" statements instead of "what if" statements to reduce anxiety. "What is happening is that your child is bright and you enjoy helping her with learning," Kane says.
Broader benefits of school
Kane emphasises that school offers more than academics: it's where children learn about making friends, negotiating needs, playing, and socialising. She also warns against labelling one child as "bright" to avoid recreating an unfair system within the family.
Annalisa Barbieri concludes that real learning involves failure, curiosity, and self-discovery. While the world is unfair, the most valuable things—love and acceptance—cannot be bought. The parent's support is already a significant advantage.
