For a woman in her fifties, the shared Sunday morning pew has become a seat of silent conflict. She adores her kind, funny, and attractive husband, but attending his church leaves her feeling like a complete fraud.
The Heart of the Conflict: Belief vs. Belonging
The couple, who met eight years ago after both endured difficult first marriages, have always had differing religious views. The wife describes herself as a low-church Protestant who sort of believes in God, finding spirituality in nature and viewing Christ as a good man. Her husband, however, is a committed believer.
While their differences are respected at home, the problem crystallises within the walls of their local Church of England. She feels alienated by the theological emphasis, the hymns, and the rituals, resenting the sacrifice of her Sundays mouthing words I do not believe.
My husband has become a pillar of the church community, but I don't want to increase my involvement, she explains. Her desire is to find a community where she feels at home, having suggested trying the Quakers—a space where she could feel free to be herself. Her husband, however, was clearly uncomfortable with that setup.
Expert Insight: You Don't Have To Carry On
Annalisa Barbieri, who addresses the problem in her column, sought insight from UK Council for Psychotherapy-registered psychotherapist Jacquie Keelan. Keelan acknowledged the reader's despairing feelings of alienation and fraud, noting her experience was a world away from the spiritual home you're searching for.
The expert offered a crucial reframe: Making our own choices in life is an integral part of becoming autonomous adults. She highlighted that plenty of couples do not share religious beliefs and do not attend each other's places of worship, urging the writer to realise she doesn't have to carry on like this for decades.
Keelan also pointed to the positives in the relationship, noting the couple had successfully negotiated eight years together. It might be helpful to reflect on how you managed that, and apply that wisdom to your current concerns, she advised.
Finding a Path Forward
Barbieri posed a pointed question in response to the failed Quaker visit: You're uncomfortable in his church for him; can't he sit in discomfort for a morning for you? She encouraged the reader to consider whether this was fundamentally about her own needs and beliefs.
The advice centred on empowerment and balance. What are you enthusiastic about? Barbieri asked, suggesting that if the wife found her own fulfilling pursuit—whether in nature, art, or community—her husband's Sunday activities might matter less.
Finally, the columnist suggested looking back at the reader's previous difficult marriage to explore if any old patterns were being unconsciously replayed in the current dynamic. The underlying message was clear: compromise and self-fulfilment are both possible, but require open communication and a reassessment of assumed obligations.
