"Are you two going to f**k or what?" This blunt question from a friend, though startling, wasn't entirely unexpected. I was on a girls' trip when I met Camille*, and the chemistry between us was palpable from the start. Thrown together thousands of miles from home, there was an electric charge in the air whenever we were near each other.
The Spark of Connection
Her laughter seemed to light up the room, and every time our eyes met, I felt a warmth that was both unfamiliar and deeply comforting. After an evening spent dancing and sharing drinks, the distance between us gradually disappeared until we found ourselves kissing beneath the pulsating lights of a nightclub.
From that moment, I experienced an undeniable pull toward her—a magnetic attraction that must have been obvious to everyone around us, prompting my friend's candid question. That remark ultimately served as the catalyst we both needed, leading Camille and me to steal away for a private moment on the final day of our trip.
Understanding Hetero-Monogamy
As our lips met again in that intimate setting, a clear thought echoed through my mind: "This doesn't take anything away from my relationship with James." I've been with James, my 63-year-old boyfriend, for five years now. While we share a deep commitment to each other, we've established what's known as a hetero-monogamous relationship.
Though the technical definition of hetero-monogamy typically refers to a man and woman in an exclusive partnership, our interpretation differs slightly. Essentially, we've agreed to remain monogamous with each other regarding people of our partner's gender, while allowing openness to sexual relationships with other genders—particularly relevant since I identify as bisexual.
Defining Our Dynamic
In practical terms, I'm in a committed relationship with one person—a man—but maintain the freedom to sleep with women. James, who is straight, remains exclusively with me. Meanwhile, as a bisexual woman, I can continue dating and occasionally sleeping with women. This arrangement allows me to honour my complete sexuality without suppressing any aspect of my identity.
Discovering My Sexuality
My awareness of attraction to women began around age twelve, during my final year of primary school. My first kiss with a female friend confirmed that these feelings extended beyond simple admiration. By thirteen, I'd discovered the term "bisexual," and it resonated deeply with my experience.
Throughout my teenage years, I dated both men and women, sometimes maintaining relationships with both simultaneously, with everyone's knowledge and consent. However, it wasn't until my mid-twenties that I fully embraced my bisexuality, abandoning attempts to fit into conventional categories.
The Journey of Exploration
I actively sought experiences that would allow me to understand myself better—using dating apps like Tinder, attending queer events, and exploring casual relationships with women. During this period, I also worked as a sex worker with male clients, finding personal fulfillment in that work.
Yet whenever I entered monogamous relationships with either men or women, I often felt my attraction to other genders becoming an unspoken, unacknowledged presence. This created significant internal conflict, as I navigated the tension between my desire for certain aspects of monogamy and my need for freedom to express my sexuality completely.
Establishing Our Agreement
After meeting James online when I was twenty-four—originally seeking a sugar daddy arrangement—I knew I needed to address my sexuality openly from the beginning. Though nervous about his potential reaction, I gathered my courage several weeks into our relationship to initiate this crucial conversation.
I remember sitting with James, carefully explaining: "Something that's holding me back from entering an exclusive relationship with you is that I don't want to stop dating women." After a pause, I added, "If pursuing that is a dealbreaker for being with me, I need to know." I braced myself for rejection, my emotional defenses fully engaged.
Unexpected Acceptance
James listened thoughtfully, absorbing this information before responding with characteristic practicality: "Well, I can't be your girlfriend, can I?" His acceptance brought immediate relief, though I initially questioned whether it could truly be that straightforward. His lack of threat or jealousy made it easier for me to be completely honest about what I needed from our relationship—a partnership where I could express my authentic self romantically and sexually.
Making It Work
Since that conversation, we've developed a dynamic that works beautifully for both of us. While we maintain monogamy in many respects—neither of us dates or sleeps with other men (or women, in James's case)—I retain the freedom to explore my attraction to women as I choose.
We haven't established rigid rules or boundaries regarding my dating women, but we prioritize open communication. I typically inform James when I'm seeing someone new, though we don't delve into intimate details. This balance of respect and trust has never caused issues between us; if anything, it has strengthened our bond through mutual understanding.
The Ebb and Flow of Exploration
The frequency with which I date or sleep with women varies considerably. Sometimes I'll go on several dates over a couple of months, while other periods might pass without any new connections. Like anyone navigating dating, I follow what feels natural rather than adhering to any predetermined schedule or obligation.
This is why, when I felt that growing attraction to Camille, I didn't resist it. I experienced no guilt or sense of betrayal toward James. Our relationship remains solid, and loving him doesn't diminish my attraction to women—these are separate yet equally valid aspects of my identity.
Creating Fulfilling Relationships
Our relationship may not conform to traditional expectations, but it works perfectly for us. Hetero-monogamy isn't about finding loopholes in commitment; rather, it's about designing a partnership that allows both individuals to feel genuinely fulfilled.
Before considering such an arrangement, it's crucial to first be honest with yourself—understanding what you want and why you want it. Then, have that transparent conversation with your partner. Approach each other with mutual respect and clear communication, recognizing that if this structure doesn't work for you, that's completely acceptable. Every relationship is unique.
I firmly believe that by being true to yourself and finding someone who respects that authenticity, you can create a relationship that's both secure and embracing—a partnership where love and attraction can coexist without requiring you to hide any part of who you are.
*Name has been changed
