11 Telltale Signs You're Bad in Bed — and How to Get Better
Whether it's a one-night stand or a steamy session with a long-term partner, everyone desires positive feedback in the bedroom. If you're reading this, you might be questioning whether your sexual performance meets expectations. According to a survey by Superdrug Online Doctor, this is a common concern, with nearly a third (32%) of Brits suspecting they're bad in bed.
However, it's not always easy to recognize if your bedroom skills are lacking, especially if your partner excels at faking orgasms or struggles to communicate their needs openly. While asking directly is the most straightforward approach, you can avoid awkwardness by looking for subtle signals before seeking an official appraisal. Remember, only those who refuse to improve are truly irredeemable. These 11 signs can help you identify areas for growth, allowing you to address issues and enhance your sexual experiences.
You Struggle to Stay in the Moment
Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey, a clinical psychologist and intimacy coach, notes that being unable to stay present is incredibly common but a red flag. Great sex requires all parties to be connected and focused. She recommends boosting attention by focusing on a specific sensation, such as a sight or sound, and returning to it whenever you lose focus.
You Don't Check In Before, During, or After Sex
Annabelle Knight, a qualified couples counsellor, warns that avoiding conversation can mean missing opportunities. Silent sex isn't inherently bad, but zero communication often leads to zero collaboration. Simple questions like "What's something you'd love more of?" can make a significant difference, as a little curiosity goes a long way.
Your Partner Avoids Initiating
Annabelle explains that this subtle sign may indicate sex feels one-sided or unfulfilling for them. It doesn't necessarily mean you're bad at sex, but something isn't clicking. She suggests having a gentle conversation, trying new things like toys or outfits, and fostering shared enthusiasm, which is the sexiest ingredient.
They've Given Up on Giving You Feedback
Sex and relationship coach Gemma Nice points out that this can happen when communication breaks down, such as if past feedback was ignored. It might also signal "quiet quitting," where they're considering distancing themselves. To move forward, create space for open, honest conversations using "I" statements and listen without distractions.
You Rarely Last Long Enough for Your Partner to Finish
Gemma notes that biological differences mean men typically last five to seven minutes, while women take 20–30 minutes. Communication is key here; talk openly about what feels good and how to help your partner orgasm. Finishing quickly doesn't make you a bad lover, but not trying to help them does.
You Treat Sex Like a Performance
Annabelle emphasizes that the best sex involves co-creation, not a one-man show. Slow down, focus on sensations rather than self-critique, and ask your partner what they enjoy. Building from their preferences is more effective than trying to impress.
Your Pleasure Is the Main Focus
Gemma warns that focusing solely on your release creates an unbalanced dynamic. This often stems from a lack of empathy or difficulty reading cues. Pay attention to facial expressions, sounds, and breathing. Try an exercise: five minutes focused on giving pleasure, then five minutes receiving, to remind both partners that intimacy is shared.
There's No Spontaneity
If sex has become predictable, Gemma says the relationship may be in a rut, leading to emotional distance. Fix this by dating each other again—ask first-date questions, try new activities, or commit to weekly date nights. Rebuilding emotional connection will make things come naturally.
You Don't Prioritize Pillow Talk
Rolling over immediately after sex can cause feelings of rejection, Gemma notes. Pillow talk is a chance to reconnect and process the experience together. Discuss what felt good and what didn't to strengthen your bond.
You Constantly Skip Foreplay
Annabelle warns that many treat foreplay as optional, despite most women needing consistent stimulation and build-up. Extend foreplay, introduce toys, and shift focus from penetration to pleasure. Gemma adds that foreplay starts after the last sex session, through flirting and playful messages. Without this, arousal becomes harder, and the experience feels rushed. Use lube for comfort and remember that communication is lubrication too.
Your Partner Always Has to Take the Lead
If your partner always initiates or steers sex, they may feel burdened by emotional and erotic labor. Annabelle advises taking small risks, like initiating a kiss or suggesting new positions. Even a little confidence can transform the energy.
