As the new year approaches, a significant announcement from a close friend can trigger profound self-reflection, especially when it involves a major life milestone like starting a family. For one 29-year-old reader, the news that a friend is expecting a baby has prompted a wave of uncertainty and self-imposed pressure about their own path.
The squeeze of life's big questions
The reader, who is soon to turn 29, wrote to advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith with a familiar dilemma. They described feeling "pretty ambivalent" about having a child themselves, yet simultaneously viewing parenthood as the "next milestone." This has created intense internal pressure to decide their future, despite having no external pressure from family and acknowledging they still have time.
Gordon-Smith identifies this feeling as a common year-end squeeze, where the "new year, the next milestone, the new life stage" all conspire to ask us: "Am I where I should be in life?" She argues that the reader's current uncertainty is not something to dismiss but is, in fact, critically important when the decision in question involves creating another human being.
Why ambivalence about children is different
Gordon-Smith draws a crucial distinction. While you can leap into some major life changes—like moving country or changing jobs—despite feeling unsure, having a child is fundamentally different. "A kid isn't in the first instance a milestone," she writes. "A kid is a person; a person who'll be able to tell if their parent regretted their existence."
She acknowledges stories of parents whose ambivalence vanished upon their child's birth but cautions that there are also less-shared stories of regret, where a child pays a "lifelong tax" for a parent's gamble. Therefore, the rules for creating a person "permit a lot less leaping despite ambivalence" than other decisions. The core question shifts from "what should I do with my life?" to "whether to create someone else's life."
Reframing the pressure: from symbol to practical steps
This perspective offers a strategy to alleviate the overwhelming pressure. Instead of confronting the monumental question head-on, Gordon-Smith suggests making it "feel less of a leap" by starting with smaller, information-gathering questions.
Practical questions to ask yourself include:
- How do I feel after spending an afternoon with a friend and their baby?
- If I knew for certain I would not have children, would I feel relieved or deprived?
- What would be non-negotiable for me if I did have kids (e.g., proximity to family, having a partner)?
- What kind of parent would I want to be, and how close am I to that now?
This approach "sneaks up on the big question sideways," focusing on the material reality of parenthood rather than treating it as a frightening symbol of life progression. By doing so, it becomes easier to separate your own life decisions from your feelings about your friend's happy news.
Navigating complex feelings for a friend
The reader asked how to be "straightforwardly happy" for their expecting friend. Gordon-Smith reassures them that this may not be a necessary or realistic goal. "It's really common to feel poignant or compared or even envious when friends go through big life changes," she notes.
Instead of trying to banish these feelings, she advises allowing them space (privately) to understand their origin. Are they truly about having a child, or are they a reaction to the broader pressures of societal timelines? By disentangling the decision from its symbolic weight, you can make choices based on genuine desire, not on what they represent about your place in life.
Ultimately, Gordon-Smith's guidance centres on mindful deliberation. A baby is a person, not a checkbox on a life stage list. By breaking down the monumental question into manageable parts, the pressure can transform from a source of anxiety into a process of thoughtful, personal discovery.
