A 55-year-old woman, married for 30 years, writes to advice columnist Annalisa Barbieri about her complex situation. After a traumatic hysterectomy eight years ago, her sex drive declined. Her husband was patient and kind, but sex never returned to what it was. Now, after menopause, her libido has returned, but her husband no longer desires her due to weight gain. He struggles with erectile dysfunction and criticizes her sexual performance. He has seen a doctor without resolution and refuses couples counseling. Despite this, they are otherwise happy.
Engaging an Escort
This year, the woman engaged a male escort to address the lack of sex. The chemistry is intense, and the escort has developed feelings for her, blurring professional boundaries. She broke it off abruptly but he continues to post indirect references on social media. She feels ridiculous at her age and seeks advice on how to navigate the situation.
Professional Insight
Psychotherapist Katherine Cavallo, a UKCP-registered practitioner, notes that sexless periods in a long marriage are common, but navigating them can feel challenging. She explains that when intimacy is disrupted, reaching out to a partner feels daunting. The husband's criticism likely stems from his own shame about erectile difficulties. Cavallo describes the escort as a short-term fix, warning that limerence fueled by novelty is unlikely to last.
Advice for Moving Forward
Cavallo advises the woman to talk to her husband, focusing on what they've missed about each other. She suggests taking intercourse off the table initially, shifting focus from performance to pleasure. The woman must decide whether to continue the marriage or separate, acknowledging that they are different people now. The escort may be fun, but if she wants to be single, that is acceptable. Ultimately, she and her husband need a frank discussion about the next stage of life together or apart.
