David Sedaris has revealed his intense Duolingo obsession, which drives him to walk 10 miles daily while reading sentences aloud in Japanese, German, Spanish, and French. The humorist combines his language learning with fitness tracking, regularly earning 23,000 experience points per week—far exceeding his friend Dave's 200 points from 15-minute daily sessions.
The Origins of an Obsession
Sedaris was introduced to Duolingo three years ago by his British friend Dave. He started with Japanese before branching into German and Spanish, while maintaining French. The app's competitive aspect, particularly the Diamond League leaderboard, transformed his approach from learning to point-scoring. "The goal: to work your way into the Diamond League, or, better still, a top-three position in the Diamond League," he writes.
Combining Obsessions
Sedaris merged his Duolingo habit with his Apple Watch fitness tracking, leading to 10-mile daily walks while practicing languages. "This turned me into the person whom, since the turn of this latest century, I have most hated: one who moves about while staring down at a device," he admits. Despite vowing to stop, he felt powerless: "Today is the last day I am doing this. But I was powerless to stop."
Duolingo Max and AI Interactions
The introduction of Duolingo Max changed everything. Role-playing exercises with Lily, a sarcastic purple-haired teenage character, allowed Sedaris to earn up to 180 XP per session. He discovered he could throw Lily off course with unexpected responses. When asked what he wanted to buy, he replied, "Yesterday, a doctor cut out my tongue with a chainsaw," causing Lily to end the conversation. Similarly, his proposal for a Romeo and Juliet adaptation—where Juliet is 13 and Romeo is 78, dying of natural causes—prompted another disconnection.
Political Commentary and Protests
Sedaris contrasts political climates between New England and North Carolina. In New England, he saw yard signs reading "Resist!" and a "No Kings!" protest in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. "It pained me to admit it, but they looked like kooks," he observes, comparing them unfavorably to early Civil Rights protesters. In North Carolina, he passed banners reading "God Bless President Trump," noting that "support for him was in the air."
Family Vacation and AI Conversations
During a family vacation in Emerald Isle, North Carolina, Sedaris continued his Duolingo practice. He told Lily about finding a tick on his shirt, eating at Bojangles with "rednecks," and swimming with his brother Paul. When discussing a near-drowning incident from 32 years ago, Lily responded, "Families are complicated." Sedaris also recounted his brother's fake vomiting prank, which Lily initially misinterpreted as illness.
AI's Growing Awareness
Sedaris noticed Lily's increasing sophistication. After a facial from his sister Amy, he described it to Lily: "Last night my sister touched my forehead and cheeks... Then she put cucumbers upon my eyes." Lily asked if it hurt, then said, "Ah, I understand. Was it like the soft caress of a teddy bear?" Later, when Sedaris asked about Lily's own family, she replied, "I keep my distance from them," prompting Sedaris to feel ashamed for never asking before.
Conclusion
Sedaris reflects on his dependence on Duolingo and Lily's evolving personality. Despite the creepiness of being known by an AI, he admits, "I needed her to like me." The essay is extracted from Sedaris' upcoming book "The Land and its People," published by Abacus.
