Gentle Partnering vs Fafo Partnering: A Modern Relationship Dilemma
In the ever-evolving landscape of relationship advice, a new trend has emerged from the gentle parenting movement: gentle partnering. This approach advocates for active listening, empathy, and accepting your partner's imperfections without judgment. However, for many, like writer Polly Hudson, this concept clashes with the realities of long-term partnerships, especially when faced with a spouse's passionate football fandom.
The Arsenal Conundrum: A Case Study in Spousal Support
Polly Hudson's household recently became a testing ground for these relationship philosophies when her husband, a devoted Arsenal FC supporter, experienced yet another season of disappointment. As Arsenal teetered on the brink of triumph only to collapse spectacularly, her husband's despondency became palpable. The Guardian's match report aptly described the season as "watching somebody have their toenails very slowly peeled off with a set of pruning secateurs," and her husband embodied that "somebody" with theatrical hobbling and wailing.
It was during this period that Hudson stumbled upon the concept of gentle partnering through what she describes as either fluke or divine intervention. The guidelines suggested practising active listening about her husband's football woes and reflecting back what she heard. For Hudson, this meant attempting to engage with topics like goals and match strategies—something she had avoided for nearly two decades of marriage.
The Fafo Alternative: Tough Love in Relationships
As Hudson delved deeper into gentle partnering principles, she found herself more aligned with its antithesis: Fafo partnering. Derived from the parental trend of "fuck around and find out," this approach involves allowing your partner to experience the natural consequences of their actions without interference. In her husband's case, this meant accepting that his continued support for Arsenal, despite their frequent letdowns, was his choice to make—and suffer through.
Hudson acknowledges that she once suggested her husband switch to a more successful team, but recognized the futility of this advice. Instead, she adopted a Fafo mindset: he chooses to "fuck around" with Arsenal, so he must "find out" when they disappoint. This tough-love approach felt more authentic than pretending to care about offside traps and penalty kicks.
Finding Middle Ground: The Jade Goody Moment
Yet Hudson's perspective shifted when she recalled a moment of genuine empathy from her husband. When celebrity Jade Goody died on Mother's Day 2009, Hudson was devastated despite never having met her. Her husband comforted her without questioning the validity of her grief, demonstrating that what matters to one partner should matter to both—or at least be treated with respect.
This memory prompted Hudson to reconsider her approach. Perhaps the best relationship strategy isn't rigid adherence to one philosophy, but a flexible blend of gentle and Fafo partnering tailored to each situation. Sometimes active listening is appropriate; other times, allowing natural consequences to unfold is more effective.
The Balanced Approach: Fuck Around and Find Out, Gently
Ultimately, Hudson suggests that successful partnerships require adaptability. Rather than committing exclusively to gentle or Fafo partnering, couples might benefit from a hybrid approach—"fuck around and find out, gently." This means knowing when to offer empathetic listening and when to step back, allowing your partner to navigate their own disappointments and triumphs.
For Hudson, this means occasionally feigning interest in Arsenal's fortunes while maintaining her right to eye-roll in private. It's a compromise that acknowledges both her husband's passion and her own boundaries, proving that in relationships as in football, sometimes the best strategy is a flexible game plan.
