Jon Stewart Returns to Mock Politicization of USA Hockey Victory
Jon Stewart made a triumphant return to his Monday-night Daily Show desk just one day after the United States Olympic men's hockey team secured a dramatic overtime victory against Canada, capturing the nation's first gold medal in the sport since the legendary 1980 triumph. "This country is currently engulfed in profound emotional turmoil," Stewart declared with his signature blend of satire and sincerity. "We feel like a nation divided and under siege, perhaps having crossed a point of no return in the great American experiment, sliding inexorably toward the abyss of failed democracies. But then!"
Celebrating Victory Amid Political Controversy
Stewart played the electrifying clip of 24-year-old Jack Hughes scoring the winning goal. "I understand that powerful elites remain largely unaccountable," he quipped, "but he managed to put that thing right behind that other guy!" He continued with his characteristic hyperbolic commentary: "This nation was sinking into an irrecoverable cesspool, yet that vulcanized rubber disk soared past the lord of the net. It was a unifying moment of pure joy for all Americans celebrating this incredible achievement—wait, what the actual fuck?"
The celebration took a bizarre political turn when Stewart showed footage from the locker room revelry. FBI Director Kash Patel, appointed by former President Donald Trump, was seen celebrating with the team, a gold medal draped around his neck while drinking beer. "Is that really FBI Director Kash Patel?" Stewart demanded, his mock outrage palpable. "Why are they placing a medal around the neck of the FBI Director? Is Kash Patel a Make-a-Wish recipient? A child? I'm not trying to minimize his condition, mind you. Currently, there is no known cure for crazy eyes."
Supreme Court Strikes Down Trump Tariffs
Later in his monologue, Stewart addressed the Supreme Court's landmark 6-3 decision declaring Trump's controversial tariffs unconstitutional, despite the court's conservative majority. "Finally, someone had the courage to declare them illegal," Stewart remarked. "A court predominantly composed of his own party's appointees has invalidated the constitutionality of Trump's unilateral tariff regime. That ought to prompt some serious introspection."
Trump's response, however, was anything but introspective. In a fiery Truth Social post, he labeled the Supreme Court a "disgrace to our nation" and suggested the justices were an "embarrassment" to their families. Stewart retorted with sharp wit: "When a man who engaged with a porn star shortly after his wife gave birth tells you you're a family embarrassment, you probably should take that critique to heart."
Late-Night Hosts Unite in Critique
Jimmy Kimmel, returning from a week off on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, summarized the chaotic political landscape. "We were absent for one week, and now he's at war with the Supreme Court, threatening actual war with Iran, imposing tariffs of 10% and 15%, having the FCC menace talk shows, threatening Netflix, and suddenly vowing to release UFO files," Kimmel recounted. "It really makes you pause and wonder: what could possibly be contained in those three million Trump-Epstein documents they're still concealing? He's working overtime to distract us. The only thing he hasn't attempted is setting his own nipples ablaze."
Kimmel also reveled in the Supreme Court's rebuke of Trump's tariffs, calling it "Donald Trump's most humiliating legal defeat, even surpassing the porn star trial where he reportedly passed gas throughout the proceedings." He noted Trump's furious reaction, where he insulted his own appointed justices as "fools" and "lapdogs." "As the father of Eric and Don Jr., this is a man who intimately understands what constitutes a family embarrassment," Kimmel jabbed.
Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers Weigh In
Stephen Colbert on The Late Show praised the Supreme Court's decision with his trademark irony. "Justices, you've achieved something truly historic," he said. "You've made people actually cheer about tariffs." He explained the 6-3 ruling split "along douchebag lines," with the dissent from Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, and Brett Kavanaugh—"or as they're known by their DJ aliases, Flagman, Mr. RV, and the Boof Crew."
Colbert highlighted Chief Justice John Roberts's majority opinion, which firmly rejected Trump's assertion of "extraordinary power to unilaterally impose tariffs of unlimited amount, duration, and scope." "Do you hear that, Mr. President? Your tariffs are so blatantly illegal that the Supreme Court just ordered you to exercise," Colbert quipped. He mocked Trump's lengthy Truth Social rant as "longer than the Unabomber's user agreement," where Trump accused the justices of being "swayed by foreign interests." "And Trump has been very clear that he will not be influenced by foreign interests," Colbert added sarcastically, "only by foreign golden planes, foreign golden crowns, and foreign FIFA peace prizes."
On Late Night, Seth Meyers ridiculed Trump's claim that he read the entire Supreme Court decision. "I read all the paragraphs... I read everything there is to read, and I said, 'Can't lose this case,'" Trump asserted. "That's how you recognize a true bibliophile—when they read all the paragraphs," Meyers deadpanned. "It sounds like an extraterrestrial attempting to impersonate a high school sophomore."
Meyers also addressed Trump's tease about releasing government documents on UFOs, connecting it to the ongoing Epstein scandal. "If you're curious why he'd release that now, I'll direct you to a clip from this show a few months ago," Meyers said, referencing a July segment where he predicted, "I honestly think we're one more Epstein story away from Trump announcing that UFOs are real." He concluded with a playful nod to his apparent prescience: "Look, I don't possess future-telling abilities. But just in case I have magical powers, let me state—because more is undoubtedly coming—that we're one Epstein story away from Trump declaring, 'I don't think I'm good at this job. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm perpetually tired. Nobody likes me. And on top of that, my hand is utterly messed up, you guys.' And with that said, now we simply wait and see."
