For years, it has fallen to me and my sister to take our mother on holiday. Now she has a big birthday coming up and wants me to arrange a trip abroad. I have three other siblings who have never taken her on holiday, so to prod them into action I spoke with one of my brothers, who expressed disbelief at my mother's request and told me I was a fool for going along with it.
I cannot decide if he is being mean (our father died a few years ago and she does not have friends to go with) or if I am the fool in the family. I have young children and a tight budget, but our holiday has to be arranged to suit Granny, so it ends up being a less adventurous, more expensive trip than my siblings take with their children.
A little part of me wonders if my mother is playing me for a softie and not making demands on my siblings because she knows I will cave. Related to all this, there is a wild inequality in the inheritance that is being left, with the lion's share going to my eldest brother. Mum has also helped out with his children over the years but always refused to look after mine even for an evening. I try to accept this, as I do not want a schism in the family and I know if I complain, my siblings and my mother will get angry. But I am starting to think my brother is right: I am a fool and I need to come up with some excuse to get out of this latest holiday demand.
Setting Boundaries
I do not think there is anything foolish about being kind, but it has to be with boundaries. Clearly, these, and a sense of fairness, are lacking in your family. You are right to be angry with your mother, who does not seem to treat you all fairly. But your brothers and siblings would be in for the lion's share of my rage. Instead of being grateful for all you do for the woman who is, after all, their mother too, and perhaps even offering to pitch in, they berate you as a fool? Not on.
You say you do not want a schism in the family, but there already is one and you are the bridge that is stopping it widening. Before you snap, it is time to take stock. I went to UK Council for Psychotherapy-registered psychotherapist Prof Hannah Sherbersky, who noted societal expectations of daughters versus sons, before adding: But you do have agency and you are making a choice about being there with your mum, and this is a wonderful thing. Your siblings are missing out on that connection, but you talk as if you are being fooled. I wonder if you can lean into it. What if you are not being hoodwinked, rather it is a wonderful act of generosity on your part, providing some special memories for your mum?
That said, for your own mental and physical health you should set boundaries. If you could change one thing about this scenario, what might that be? Is it the financial burden, the unfairness, being more appreciated? How much of a fool did you feel before your brother said something?
Finding the Sweet Spot
There is nothing wrong with asserting your needs and letting others deal with the fallout, so long as you can deal with it yourself. The key here is to find the sweet spot that assuages any guilt, addresses a sense of duty, but also takes into account what you want to do. So it may be missing this year's holiday, but planning the next with a firm, I cannot this year, but let us look at 2027.
If you can find this spot, you can minimise criticism (because it will not bother you so much) and then you will not need excuses because you will be leading from the front.
