Rick and Rachel, a couple in an open relationship, have conflicting views on how much to share about their outside encounters. Rick, 52, prefers a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy, while Rachel, 43, wants to know the details. Both acknowledge the arrangement may not work forever.
Rick's Perspective: Struggling with Knowledge
Rick says, 'I've tried knowing and not knowing, and I find both difficult. In an ideal world, we'd go looking for sex together.' He met Rachel on the dating app Feeld after his sex life declined post-divorce. They fell in love quickly, but non-monogamy has been challenging. Initially, he thought knowing everything was better, but the more he knew, the more he struggled. He recalls driving home after picking her up from a threesome, thinking, 'Why did I sacrifice my own comfort for the fantasy of a couple I'd never even met?' He now copes by running or cold showers, checking facts: 'Do I actually know she's having a better time than she does with me? Do I know whether the sex is good? Usually, the answer is no.'
Rachel's Perspective: Suspending Disbelief
Rachel, 43, says, 'I'll want monogamy again one day, but someone needing me to that extent scares me.' She admits she isn't naturally cut out for ethical non-monogamy, as she worries about being replaceable. Her poly friends say hiding reality is doing it wrong, but she finds a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy allows her to suspend disbelief. She says, 'The more I know, the worse I feel.' However, she values Rick's reassurance when she feels insecure. After a decade-long monogamous relationship, she now enjoys variety and confidence in her 40s. She says, 'I get a lot of delight from variety – I don't want to go to my grave thinking: I wish I'd had a threesome.'
Shared Challenges and Future Uncertainty
Both acknowledge that non-monogamy is difficult. Rick says, 'I don't know if non-monogamy will make or break us, but monogamy could just as easily ruin our relationship.' Rachel adds, 'There have been times when I look around and realise I'm no one's number one, and that brings up insecurities.' They consider each other their priority, but both recognize the arrangement may not last. Rachel says, 'We have to keep checking in about whether it continues to work.' Rick concludes, 'Ultimately, if we can't learn to do this better, I don't know whether love is enough.'
