Keir Starmer's dream of leading England to World Cup glory nearly ended on Wednesday as the team faced a humiliating exit against the Democratic Republic of Congo in Atlanta. With 15 minutes left, England were on the brink of defeat, but Harry Kane scored twice, including a sublime second goal, to keep the tournament alive. Starmer, who has meticulously planned England's path to victory, sees the World Cup as his path to political immortality, hoping to become only the second prime minister after Harold Wilson to lead the country to World Cup glory under a Labour government.
Starmer's fantasy unfolds
Starmer envisioned an easy victory against Mexico in the Azteca, a penalty shootout win against Brazil, and a convincing semi-final triumph over Argentina. He choreographed the rest of the week tightly, including the likely coronation of Andy Burnham as Labour leader on Friday 17 July. Despite this, Starmer believed he would remain prime minister, even planning a press conference on how Thomas Tuchel could use Declan Rice and Bukayo Saka.
The weekend would be a party: flying to New York alone for the final, staying at a top hotel, and drinking pints with the UK ambassador. He would wear an England replica shirt to the stadium, where he would have to endure formalities with Gianni Infantino and Donald Trump, but he would smile, knowing he would soon be loved as a champion.
Victory and aftermath
In Starmer's fantasy, England would win 3-0 against France, with Kane scoring twice and Jude Bellingham once. He would be mobbed on the pitch and invited to lift the World Cup, breaking Trump's heart. The team would fly back on his private jet, drink champagne, and do an open-top bus tour from the airport to Downing Street. Back at No 10, Starmer would organize a penalty shootout in the Rose Garden with Jordan Pickford in goal.
Throughout the day, Starmer would ignore panicky WhatsApps from Burnham about standing down as PM, eventually addressing the nation: 'Dear England, this is the greatest day of our life. I promised you a World Cup and I've delivered it. I love you all. Everyone but Andy.'
Apology for forced adoptions
On Thursday morning, Starmer attended the Commons to apologize for the forced adoptions policy imposed by church and state from the end of World War II until the mid-1970s. He said the apology was long overdue, calling it 'our shame' and stating it was wrong then and now. Shadow chancellor Alex Burghart apologized on behalf of the Tories, thanking Starmer for coming in person, noting that Kemi Badenoch never apologizes for anything.
