America turns 250 this Fourth of July, but the celebrations have been a mess, according to writer Dave Schilling. Millions of dollars have been spent on events like a UFC fight, a poorly attended state fair with a malfunctioning Ferris wheel, and a pool of green slop. Schilling, writing for the Guardian, argues that the country deserves better gifts for its milestone birthday.
Eliminate the electoral college
Schilling's first proposed gift is abolishing the electoral college. He calls it a 'real pain' that forces Americans to do math every four years, and notes it gave Donald Trump the presidency despite losing the popular vote in 2016. He suggests replacing it with a marathon Dungeons & Dragons session, which he says would be more entertaining than the 2000 election recount.
Make Puerto Rico a state
His second gift is statehood for Puerto Rico. The US controls 14 territories, five inhabited, and Puerto Rico is a mostly self-governing community with a unique culture and language. Schilling quips that Texas is similar, and suggests adding Guam as well, noting there's room for more stars on the flag.
Bring back Game of Thrones
The most important gift, Schilling says, is forcing HBO to produce a ninth season of Game of Thrones. Many Americans were unsatisfied with the ending, and he suggests using AI to generate 10 episodes cheaply, despite potential poor quality. He argues this would finally make use of billions invested in artificial intelligence, even if it puts the film industry out of work.
Schilling concludes by describing his own celebration: a 30-pack of beer, locked door, Theo Von podcasts, and a bet on Kalshi that Trump dances to YMCA. He calls this hiding, irrational optimism, and terrible financial decisions—'That's America.'
