Matthew Schnipper's 22-month-old son Renzo died suddenly from an aneurysm on Christmas Eve. In the aftermath, Schnipper struggled with grief, seeking guidance from grief expert David Kessler, who added a sixth stage to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief: finding meaning. Kessler's work, particularly his videos on losing a child, helped Schnipper navigate his loss, though he initially resisted watching them.
The Sixth Stage: Finding Meaning
Kessler updated Kübler-Ross's stages after his own son died of an accidental overdose at age 21. In his videos, he emphasizes that grief has rules and that the goal is to remember the child with more love than pain. Schnipper found this concept difficult, fearing that feeling better would mean forgetting Renzo. Kessler advised living in a way that honors the deceased child.
Seeking Beauty and Solace in Music
After Renzo's death, Schnipper found most music unbearable except for Bill Callahan. A friend gave him an album of Indian santoor music, which provided a sense of beauty and calm. He then discovered pianist Bill Evans, whose elegiac compositions offered comfort. Schnipper collected Evans's albums, particularly finding solace in "You Must Believe in Spring," recorded in 1977 but released posthumously. The title resonated with him as a realist's acknowledgment of seasonal change and renewal.
Encountering Kessler Directly
Through a friend, Schnipper and his wife Allegra arranged a Zoom call with Kessler. However, Kessler's advice was mostly the same as in his videos, emphasizing resilience. Schnipper felt disappointed, realizing that even experts have no cure for such profound loss. He continued seeking wisdom from other sources, including a Toni Morrison interview where she described beauty as an absolute necessity.
Poetry and Catharsis
Schnipper found resonance in Mary Oliver's poem "The Summer Day," particularly the lines "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" and "Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?" These words, often seen as an invitation, felt like a threat to him in his grief. He also reflected on Kessler's question: "What are you going to do with the rest of your life?"
Honoring Renzo
Schnipper concluded that living in a way that honors Renzo meant embracing beauty and continuing to love. He wrote, "The goal of grief work is to remember our child with more love than pain," as Kessler said. Schnipper's journey through grief, music, and poetry ultimately led him to accept that healing involves finding meaning and beauty in life after loss.
This is an edited extract from Rise Above by Matthew Schnipper, out now from Random House.
