The late 1980s and early 1990s were a golden era for ninja-themed video games, but as one reader points out, authenticity was rarely part of the design brief. The games were less about stealth and more about spectacle, often throwing logic out the window in favour of relentless action. From walking across America punching every human being in sight to playing golf against a dragon, these titles embraced absurdity wholeheartedly.
Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja: Punch First, Ask Questions Never
Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja is a prime example of how easily pleased gamers were in the 80s. Players control Blade or Striker, two extremely patriotic men with predestined names, whose solution to the kidnapping of the president is to take the law into their own hands. The gameplay is beautifully simple: walk right, punch ninjas, occasionally spinny kick something, and hope nobody notices that those approximately three attacks are your whole portfolio of moves.
Every now and then, you can pick up a can of soda, kept at body temp for your liking and pre-shaken, ensuring the deceased enemy gets the last laugh. The real star, however, is the premise. The game asks, 'Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?' Obviously, you are. Ridiculous, repetitive, and gloriously stupid, Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja is gaming distilled to its purest form: punch first, ask questions never.
Shinobi: Stealth Means Sprinting at Armed Men
During the course of this feature, it becomes clear that stealth in these games apparently means heading directly towards your opponent in plain sight, often giving them the opportunity to strike first. Shinobi's protagonist is Joe Musashi, a highly trained ninja whose idea of subtle infiltration is to sprint at an army of heavily armed men and reward them by pinning stars to their chests simply for taking part. Diplomacy at its finest.
Surprisingly, the plot involves kidnapped children and evil organisations. Joe's mission is simple: rescue the kids and destroy the criminals; first one to die, loses.
The Revenge Of Shinobi: Adding Magic and Godzilla
The Revenge Of Shinobi is what happens when someone decides that Shinobi isn't quite ridiculous enough and adds magic, atomic seppuku, Godzilla, and enough shuriken to make the modern day RAM shortage look contrived. Players control Joe Musashi again, a man whose wife has been kidnapped by Neo Zeed, an evil organisation, because according to any media, ninja revenge stories are legally required to begin with somebody being kidnapped.
Naturally, Joe responds by brazenly walking through cities, forests, and military installations, murdering approximately 700 people on the way. One minute you're fighting ordinary soldiers, the next you're battling mutant creatures, pickled brains on cargo planes and guardians that appear to have escaped from a fever dream. The controls are kind of adequate, but Mr Musashi's arsenal of shuriken makes you feel less like a stealthy assassin and more like a noisy draw of cutlery.
Alex Kidd In Shinobi World: Revenge with a Giant Head
Because Sega looked at Shinobi and thought, 'Needs more small child,' Alex Kidd In Shinobi World begins with Alex's girlfriend being kidnapped by the evil ninja Hanzo. A perfectly reasonable set-up for a serious tale of revenge, honour, and ancient martial arts. But instead of a grim ninja warrior, you get a giant-headed child in a little outfit bouncing around, probably skiving with no regard for his attendance record nor the teachers that patrol town monitoring truancy.
Ninjas are everywhere, swarming around you like you've walked into a very aggressive Shinobi cosplay convention. The best part is the complete lack of concern from any type of law enforcement. A kidnapped girlfriend? Massive evil ninja organisation? Ancient mystical powers? Who gives a shidoshi. Ridiculous, charming and wonderfully Sega, Alex Kidd In Shinobi World proves that revenge doesn't have to be dark and serious. Sometimes revenge has a massive head and eats burgers.
Shadow Dancer: The Secret Of Shinobi – Dances With Wolves
Shadow-dancing seems a hilariously pacifistic concept for a ninja, considering another term like shadow-boxing. Staying alive in this game requires you to traverse a city in which the majority of levels take place in broad daylight, so there's very little fear of night fever setting in; shadows weren't even cast as extras and dancing is non-existent. As there is a wolf sidekick, perhaps a better suited title would've been The Secret Of Shinobi – Dances With Wolves, but that sounds boring as hell.
Players control Hayate, a highly trained ninja assassin for once. Step by step, he'll dismantle a criminal organisation with his sword, shuriken, mystical powers, and the agility of a cat. And yet his most important instrument is the dog. Hayate spends years mastering the ancient arts of ninjutsu to keep his enemies in line, when all the dog has to do is bark, rendering the enemy stunned with stage fright. Your canine accomplice can pin enemies to the ground, allowing you to finish them off. So in an ironic twist, you're not actually the main event here. You're just a bloke waltzing around the place while the dog does all the footwork. But let's not dance around the real issue: the bad guys should've brought their own pet.
Ninja Golf: The Most Violent Sport Ever
Finally, a game brave enough to ask, 'What if golf was considerably more violent?' Ninja Golf is possibly the greatest example of a development meeting where absolutely nobody said, 'We're gonna do what now?' The concept is radically simple: you're a ninja playing golf. But not all ninjas appreciate a second hobby and demand you stop enjoying yourself. Instead of stealing your golf ball and being done with it, a ninja would rather steal your life.
You tee off and watch your ball disappear into the distance and proceed to leg it to the right as an onslaught of ninja, green with envy, club together with their pets to stand between you and your par. Because apparently regular golf wasn't stressful enough. If you somehow survive this handicap, there's an enormous dragon waiting for you at the end. Why? I don't know. Who cares. You are a ninja with a golf club... fore!
